Reflection: What I learned as a British born Nigerian married to a Nigerian born Nigerian.

Same Culture — different upbringing!

Generations Apart!

There is a BIG difference between Nigerians born and bred in the UK and Nigerians born and bred in Nigeria! We were basically generations apart.

Now where do I start?

1. Religion is just that religion.

Prayers were spoken verbatim, going to church was a ritual.

Being asked constantly ‘What church do you go to?’ is a regular occurrence. Real life and church life were constantly at odds.

I couldn’t follow my ex to church because it felt like I was condoning this fake life.

In-laws that allowed and justified abuse however calling themselves pastors.

An ex- husband going to bible college while abusing his wife behind closed doors.

I learnt a lot about fake life!

However it gave me the insight into the type of Christian I wanted to be.

2. In-laws can make or break you.

Before you marry — take a look/review of who your partner is closest to in their family dynamic.

Is there any one family member that they listen to above anyone and anything else. Does that person have a hold on your partner?

Not all family is good family.

Some family members advise you based on their own selfish wants and needs to keep their sibling/son under their control.

Jealously and fear plays a part in interfering in-laws.

If your partner is not on the same page with this — the in-laws will have free reign over your relationship.

3. Pride is real.

Pride was everywhere, ex-husband, mother in-law, sister-in-law.

4. Abuse is widely accepted

A message from my in-laws…

‘What did you do to make him hit you?’

‘My husband used to beat me’ — said matter of fact by my sister-in law.

‘Sometimes women have to go through these things, that’s why we are strong’.

‘Our brother is not like this, it must be you?’

‘Don’t tell your sisters — they are not married — they would not understand’

‘Anything that happens in your marriage it’s you’.

5. Mental Health

I truly believe there is a lot of undiagnosed mental health issues that is not being discussed as this subject is still a taboo in the community.

6. Mindset is totally different

My ex believed he was always right.

Empathy is not in the dictionary.

7. R.E.S.P.E.C.T

Find out what it means to me….

WOW now RESPECT is major.

I always say Respect is reciprocal and not demanded.

My ex demanded respect but I lost it when he started abusing me and lost respect for all his family that knew about the abuse but did nothing and in fact encouraged the abuse with their advice.

As a result I was tagged rude and disrespectful! Oh well…I was happy to take that tag on top of everything else.

I am very respectful until you show me you are not worthy of that respect!

8. Love & Affection

My ex found it hard to show love and affection — oftentimes this is borne from growing up and not receiving affection — hugs etc. So this becomes alien to them.

I never saw him hugging his mum or vice versa.

9. Lies, lies and more lies.

Lies even about the most simplest things.

Lies that you wouldn’t even think to lie about.

Then justify those lies with more lies and fabrication.

Lies that made me question my reality.

I hate lies — especially ridiculous lies.

Some of these lies till today still make me laugh out loud.

10. Narcissism is real

Lack of empathy — no remorse — arrogance — need to constantly be praised.

He would parade himself in church like a man of importance.

11. It’s not me…it’s you!

It’s always someone’s else fault….never him.

There is no accountability for his actions.

He will twist all he has done to make it someone else’s fault…usually me.

I believe that every cause has an action.

12. Thank God I got out — for my kids.

I did not want my kids to grow up thinking abuse was normal in a relationship.

Witnessing abuse is not healthy for kids.

My kids mental health is one of main reasons why I left.

My kids were affected but it could have been way worse if I stayed.

13. I am a STRONG WOMAN!

I GOT OUT AND KNOW WHAT I CANNOT TOLERATE IN A RELATIONSHIP!

I got out, suffered the first couple of years with post traumatic stress.

I suffered episodes where mentally I was transported to traumatic situations in my mind ruminating over the situation. I would sit stuck going over these thoughts and feelings as if I was back there.

With time this passed and I am thankful that I left when I did.

Lastly….

I learnt so much… too much to write down…I learnt about myself, I grew up…became responsible as I was far from responsible before this experience. I chose to take the positives from my experience rather than being bitter and focusing on the negatives. Hopefully this did not come across bitter (lol) as that is not my intention.

I’m talking from a perspective I know all too well. I also know there are great people out there …maybe I’ll write about them in another post.

I believe ‘Whatever you go through — does indeed grow you’.

I'd love to know if you can relate to my story - let me know in the comments.

Thanks for reading!