Co-Parenting with a Narcissist: The Hidden Challenges

Co-parenting is often seen as the gold standard for separated parents—working together, prioritising the child, and maintaining respectful communication. But what happens when the person you're co-parenting with is a narcissist? When manipulation, control, and emotional games are the norm, not the exception, traditional co-parenting is not just hard; it’s dangerous.

In this post, we’ll explore what it really looks like, how parallel parenting can protect your peace, and what strategies can help you raise emotionally healthy children, even in the face of narcissistic abuse.

Understanding Narcissistic Co-Parenting

Let’s be honest: co-parenting requires cooperation, empathy, and mutual respect—three things a narcissist fundamentally struggles with. If you’re dealing with a narcissistic ex, you might recognise some of these behaviours:

• Using the children as pawns to punish or control you.

• Constantly changing plans or refusing to stick to agreed schedules.

• Undermining your parenting by making you seem unstable or incompetent.

• Refusing to communicate unless it’s to provoke or manipulate.

• Playing the victim to outsiders while privately gaslighting you.

  
  

These aren’t just difficult behaviours; they’re forms of emotional and psychological abuse, making traditional co-parenting unsustainable.

So, Can You Co-Parent with a Narcissist?

No, not in the traditional sense. But you can parallel parent, and that makes all the difference.

What Is Parallel Parenting?

Parallel parenting is a low-contact parenting model designed specifically for high-conflict or abusive situations. Instead of trying to collaborate, you create clear boundaries and strict separation. You each parent independently during your time with the child, minimising interaction and reducing the narcissist’s opportunity for control.

It’s not about creating the perfect parenting arrangement; it’s about protecting your mental health and your child’s emotional stability.

Benefits of Parallel Parenting

Parallel parenting offers several advantages, including:

✅ Reduces conflict and manipulation

✅ Protects children from emotional tug-of-war

✅ Minimises direct contact and triggers

✅ Empowers you to parent without interference

✅ Prevents the narcissist from using co-parenting to abuse you further

How to Parallel Parent Effectively

Here are proven strategies you can implement to make parallel parenting work, especially in cases involving narcissistic abuse:

1. Communicate in Writing Only

Use email, a co-parenting app (like OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents), or text only when necessary. Stick to facts, keep your tone neutral, and avoid emotional responses.

Tip: If they provoke you, wait before replying. You’re not required to respond immediately. Take back control by staying calm and clear.

2. Create a Detailed Parenting Plan

Everything should be outlined: pick-up/drop-off times, holidays, birthdays, communication rules, travel, healthcare decisions, and school involvement. The more specific, the less room they have to twist the rules.

Tip: If possible, have your parenting plan approved and signed by the court. Documentation matters.

3. Limit Verbal and In-Person Contact

Narcissists thrive on creating emotional reactions. The less contact you have, the fewer chances they get to manipulate or gaslight you. Avoid casual chats at handovers; keep it brief, respectful, and maintain boundaries.

4. Keep Records of Everything

This isn’t about paranoia; it’s about protection. Save emails, texts, and missed appointments. Note patterns of behaviour. If court involvement becomes necessary, you’ll be grateful for a clear timeline.

SOAQ Tip: Keep a secure digital folder with labelled evidence, organising it monthly to stay ahead.

5. Focus on Your Child, Not the Narcissist

You can't control their behaviour, but you can create a safe, nurturing, and validating environment in your own home. That’s where your power lies.

Reassure your child without criticising the other parent. Instead of saying, “Your dad is lying again,” try: “You can always ask me if something feels confusing. It’s okay to feel two things at once; we can talk about it whenever you need.”

6. Teach Emotional Literacy and Resilience

Children of narcissists often grow up confused, emotionally stifled, or overly eager to please. Equip your child with tools like:

• Naming and expressing feelings

• Understanding healthy boundaries

• Knowing it's okay to disagree or say no

• Practising self-esteem and affirmations

  
  

7. Choose Your Battles

Narcissists love to bait you. Don’t engage in every argument. Ask yourself: Does this affect my child’s safety or wellbeing? If not, let it go. Preserve your energy for what really matters: your peace and your child’s growth.

Your Role as the Safe Parent

If you’re reading this, chances are you are the safe parent, the one who listens, reassures, advocates, and protects. That role is incredibly powerful, even when it feels thankless.

Your child might not understand everything now. But one day, they will see that:

• You showed up even when it was hard.

• You didn’t need to control the narrative; you let love speak for itself.

• You broke the cycle.

  
  

That’s a legacy worth leaving.

Legal and Emotional Support

Parallel parenting often requires support from professionals. Don’t hesitate to reach out for:

• Family law advice (ideally with knowledge of narcissistic abuse)

• Trauma-informed therapists for both you and your child

• Support groups with others who understand

  
  

At SOAQ, we’re building a Queens Rise Community to offer survivor-informed support and tools to help you thrive—not just survive.

You Are Not Alone

Co-parenting with a narcissist isn’t just exhausting; it can feel soul-crushing. But parallel parenting gives you tools to rebuild your confidence, protect your peace, and raise emotionally grounded children.

You're not here to co-sign dysfunction. You’re here to lead, love, and heal. Whether you’re just beginning this journey or years into it, know this:

💜 You are doing better than you think.

👑 You are not crazy; you’re a Queen setting boundaries.

🛡️ You are not powerless; you are reclaiming control, one decision at a time.

If this post spoke to you, my book Co-Parenting with a Narcissist – A Guide breaks it all down with real-life case studies, clear strategies, and tools to help you stay grounded while raising emotionally healthy children.

I've also created a workbook, packed with:

• Journaling prompts

• Reflection exercises

• Co-parenting tools

  
  

It’s designed to support you whether you're in survival mode or ready to rebuild.

👉 Get the guide: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0FH2JQPRY

👉 Grab the workbook: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0DVPV3FT1

Both are created for women navigating life after narcissistic abuse. You are not alone, and these resources are here to support you every step of the way.

✅ Share your story or tips in the comments; your voice could help another Queen.

✅ @strengthofaqueen2 on TikTok and Instagram for daily empowerment and real talk.

🟣 You deserve peace. You deserve support. You deserve to thrive and rise!